When I think of my grandmother I recall the person that was there for me—available and ready to tell a story or make a special dessert as I watched and let my senses take in the events unfolding. Little did I know that these experiences would be some of the most lasting in my experience of growing up.
My parents as newlyweds during the depression were forced by necessity to live with my maternal grandmother in a small “bungalow”. Both parents worked and I spent much of my time with Grandma, my Nana. This pattern of multi- generational living existed for a long time in agrarian cultures where all able hands were pressed into service and the elderly became the caretakers. The caretaker relationship extended to include unconditional love and although the grandparent was an authority figure, discipline was the job of the parent and the grandparent became the generational bridge helping to regulate the child. In reality the grandparent had the time to give to the relationship that the parent did not have.
With the movement of western society toward more urban or suburban living in the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s, the relatively small dwellings required the separation of the extended family. The trend continued and in the 80’s and 90’s we began seeing the rise of age-restricted senior living residential centers, as well as the trend of nuclear families to relocate for career or job opportunities. Visits to or from grandparents became holiday events resulting in less continuity in the grandparent/grandchild relationship.
These days it is Facebook and Instagram that must suffice for contact, with resulting brief conversations. The desire of the grandparent to remain active is now fulfilled with activities with other elders, while grandchildren are now active with afterschool or weekend activities that will look good on their college applications. Left without the elder “bridge” between the generations the children turn to social media, video games or drugs to find the regulation they need to offset the pressure of parental authority, school and even the elective sports programs they participate in.
Another significant casualty in this new paradigm between grandparent and grandchild is the loss of stories and traditional wisdom passed on through their contact during long walks or at the kitchen table. Too late we realize that the stories and wisdom are lost forever once the grandparent is dead and we then mourn the loss of both.
I realize there is no going back and the solution to the gap that may exist is not a simple one. It may be that the intergenerational gap needs to be filled with a surrogate, an elder mentor who lives nearby who will also benefit from the contact with the children even if they are not their own family. To paraphrase Dr. Sherwin B. Nuland author of The Art of Aging Well, If it is a choice between the gym or being with the grandchildren the latter will have greater benefit.
