Throughout my life I have noticed in myself, and in many others, this deep longing, almost an ache to be seen. Not just looked at or recognized as your name or your relationship or your job but as the full you – mind, body, emotions, and spirit the entirety of you seen by another person. It is like being recognized at a deep and profound level. Some might call it bliss or nirvana or heaven – call it what you want it is sweet beyond words. I have experienced this ‘being seen’ and it is both life affirming and life altering at the same time. It is deeply personal, very intimate, and extremely human while being fully spiritual too.

So, if this is true in life it must also be true in death!

Imagine what a wonderful good-bye it could be if ‘all’ of you connected with ‘all’ of your loved one as they were dying and why wouldn’t we offer this deep connection to our loves before they pass? Well, mostly because of our fear of death and secondarily because we have simply forgotten how to connect with the ‘whole’ person both in living and in dying.

  • We are sometimes overly human and when combined with of fear or denial of death we cling to our loved one’s body at all costs forgetting they too are spirit.
  • We are sometimes overly spiritual and when combined with fear of human death we forget we are painfully human and miss the messy humanness of dying.
  • We sometimes are overly strong emotionally not wanting our emotions to be a burden to those around us so we behave stoically depriving all of us of that rich emotional connection.
  • We sometimes pull back physically not knowing how to touch a dying loved one or whether touch is even appropriate never mind hug or cuddle with.

What to do? The simple answer is to start recognizing the ‘whole’ person you are and the ‘whole’ person you are relating with in life, practice noticing ‘all’ of you being with ‘all’ of your loved one. Notice you and them.

  • Notice them physically, shake hands with them, hug them, and make physical contact. Notice both your body and theirs.
  • Notice your spirit and theirs. What does spirit look like you may be asking? Well if you have had the privilege to see a friend or loved one’s dead body you will notice something is missing, their body is there yet who or what they were is missing. They were a human being plus something – that plus something you could call their spirit. Notice that plus something in you and them in your daily comings and goings.
  • Notice emotions, yours and theirs. Notice how you express your emotions and how other expresses theirs. We are emotional and this is another avenue of full being connection.
  •  We are human too, full of human messiness, mistakes, upsets and all the rest of being human. Notice how very human you and the ones you love are. We are humans with all gifts and challenges.

When a loved one is dying remember these four facets of them and of you.

  • Remember to connect with them physically – touch is okay and in fact it can be very comforting for both them and you.
  • Remember to connect with them emotionally; it’s okay to be emotional. It will give your loved one permission to connect with you emotionally too.
  • Remember to connect mentally and say what you need to, they will too.
  • Remember to connect with their spirit – their plus something – from your spirit to theirs

The final and ultimate gift you can give your dying loved one is to say good-bye to the ‘whole’ person they are from the ‘whole’ person you are.

by Stephen Garrett

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